love or sparks

i was thinking i might be ready to date someone new. i've been talking to this guy again from a few months back. he's a painter and i met him when my love life was in complete chaos. he is really good on paper and really easy to be with so maybe. i'm not gonna get too caught up or overthink this time. i'll just see what happens. i realized today that i have so much baggage. it's taking a while but i am definitely losing more of it everyday. i know i'm getting closer and closer to feeling normal and i guess it wouldn't hurt to have someone helping me along, at least for a little while if not longer. i shouldn't rely on my ex and other guy friends to lavish me with attention and distract me from things i am unhappy about. i should really just let myself be happy. i guess i have convinced myself in the past that happiness is elusive but it doesn't have to be. it's just that i've always believed in love at first sight, but i guess i haven't had the best luck with that.

my birthday is in just a few days and i can't wait. it's going to be fabulous. i'll be 25! i really need to grow up. sometimes it's hard to when you want so much. i want to be tied down but i like myself better when i'm free. i sometimes think i want to be consumed but i refuse to ever lose myself. i want it to be easy but does that mean there can be no passion? i'm all contradictions. it seems like it's always a choice between love or sparks. maybe i can have it all and i'll find out that having all those things is what makes it the real thing.