idealize

i just have to not care what other people are doing anymore. i just need to be consumed by my work and feel nothing towards anything or anyone but clothing. i would like that to be my life, honestly. i want my heart to be free. i wouldn't mind giving everything up, if i didn't have to feel like i was missing anything. i'm just finally to that point where randomness is starting to feel fruitless. if i can't have substance then i just want to want nothing. this makes sense in my brain but on paper i'm not so sure. i have been sick for days and have been using nyquil as an escape. hopefully it will kick in soon and i will wake up tomorrow brand new. i want to feel special but i don't right now. even men who think they love me don't really in the end.