stuck

here i am again, restless. so much so that i have decided to make a lifestyle change--stay up all night, sleep all morning till early afternoon, and begin my days whenever i please. i anticipate it being quite productive actually. i'll sleep through the discomfort of the heat, begin work when the air starts to cool, break for dinner and perhaps a night of drinks, then resume work afterhours. it may be a bit lonely--after all my prime hours will be when most are asleep so i won't have the luxury of text and phonecall distractions. but perhaps that will be better anyhow.

i just really feel like something is missing in my life. i sometimes get freaked out that i might one day go back to my masochistic ways, when i would put my desire for creative freedom and success ahead of my own true desires. i don't want to be like that. i know i deserve to be happy and i want to be. it has taken a long time for me to break my stupid patterns and i want to be satisfied with moving forward from that point. but i am a person who cherishes memories too much. today i listened to my parents' old song on repeat. and i remembered j and the del taco and his soft hair. how no matter who i love or have loved i will always love them all. sometimes i want to forget. i want each day to be new.