scream!

sometimes i find people so disappointing. i don't mean this in an arrogant way at all, but sometimes i wish people could be more like me. i just mean that, i am so easygoing and nice and i can't help but get slightly frustrated when people aren't the same way. i avoid asking things of people and even confronting them, even if it means that i will be inconvenienced somehow. i just feel like i can be a big person and not let things bother me and even if they do, i always find a way to just not care about it.

i don't care how weird an experience is for me, i always try to stay positive and not make it shitty for everyone else by having a bad attitude. i am also just really sick of people mocking things and people and just straight up being snobby, and worse, being proud of it. everyone should just be nice. not that i have been the subject of this at all but i think it's really fucked up the way some act towards others who are different. it's just dumb and juvenile.

it just makes me not want to look at anyone or have any friends because i just start to notice the bad qualities that people have and it makes me feel really disappointed in human beings. of course i am not perfect and yes this sounds really lame and self-centered but even your closest friends can be such assholes without even realizing it. i don't want to be an asshole, i want to be nice and gracious and non-judgemental and not allow any pretenses to affect my behavior towards other people.

latenight

as i wait for my new crush to come to my new house, i realize i am just confused by nature. it's annoying. i choose a side and when one becomes slightly uncomfortable i realize it was uncalled for to choose a side in the first place. i guess i've just been really stressed out lately, about money and whatever, and i find myself growing farther away from the place i worked so hard to get to for a year. slipping away is the optimistic happy-go-lucky girl of months ago. she is regressing back to the girl who is conscious about too many things.

marty told me months ago that he thinks i'm a commitophobe. i thought it was a ludicrous notion, believing myself to be the "relationship type". but now i'm starting to realize how much sense it makes. anytime someone seems like they want to get close i start to question the sensibility of the situation and keep them at an arm's length. i look for every reason why something won't work rather than just allowing it to unfold. any sign of it becoming something real and i just bow out. i guess it's not too much of a pattern, i mean it has only happened a couple of times but i wonder if a pattern is developing.

i'm just being dumb, making mountains out of molehills, just like i always used to do.