wednesday

i hate the position of the sun during this season bc it's not as bright in my room in the morning, making it impossible to wake up. i caught up on my sleep last night/today, i woke up at noon. it feels weird but good bc things have finally slowed down for me, for a little while at least. i hope i can take advantage of this time today. i'm washing my sheets and towels and i'm gonna catch up on my blog reading. i don't think i've read a blog in almost a month.

i have a new lover and he is the coolest. i'm not sure though exactly where we stand and it makes me feel so obsessed :( vanessa told me i have to be clear and communicative about the way i feel, but i'm always afraid. i am part commitophobic, part afraid of rejection. i want to be with him. for 2 ppl as chill as we both are it should be simpler than this.

i want to be stable. for the past couple of weeks, i've been showering like once every 3 days, went to the same divey mexican tranny bar downtown 4 times in one week, i never know if i can afford anything when i'm paying for it. when i spent this past weekend at a beach house in malibu, it was so clear to me what i want out of life. i don't necessarily mean that i want money and material things, but i know what i deserve and i work hard and i should have anything i want.