it is so hot i want to die

sleep deprived

its 2:15am. i'm just trying to finish my cigarette before bed then i have to wake up at 6. i have a new job thats very demanding but will pay off in the end. my writing schedule is also about to become very intense. life is better now. tomorrow i will embark upon a new love and i hope it really moves forward. i will take my time as much as i can but i fall fast always, in fact i already have. he says poetic things and makes me feel like i'm worth all the original picasso paintings in the world, all the chanel suits and bags, all the tiffanys diamonds, everything. he makes me laugh. i can make him who he wants to be, although i adore him the way he is.

karma

i took a nap today from 4-8pm. i haven't put my laundry away from 2 days ago. i ate greasy thai food and it wasn't even that good. i feel weird. the only good thing right now is that satc is on. i watched bill & ted's bogus journey and loved it of course but i need to stop watching movies that make me feel good and start watching ones that make me think again. i am always so bummed that my bed and board dvd is broken. it sux that my money is running out and i still don't have a regular job. this makes me question my self-worth. it's not like i'm not trying but it's hard. i just want to talk to someone, but i'm not sure who. i want to read my book but i lost it. this post is stupid but i have been feeling so tired and so incomplete. i think i'm kind of in love but i'm not sure where it's going and i can't really figure it out right now. i'm restless again and i feel like i am doomed to be this way forever. i know everything can't be perfect but i just want something, anything in my life to be. i want there to be just one thing that i don't have to question. my luck has been pretty shitty lately.

bgilugufrtxtuchg ,jloygoyureuystyare

omg i pulled a muscle on the back of my thigh skipping stones today. i am so drunk off of $2.50 margaritas. some gay dudes loved meand jess dev and one was trying to pull my skirt up while i was dancing. i just talked to gil for like an hour about how no one loves me. he is an ok frind even though i hate him sometimes, it is taking forev for me to type this. i m in love. i won't say with who but i am head over heels. my pulled muscle really hurts ut i stll danced my ass off. girls night rulez. everyone is in love right now ad it maks me sick. i'm so broke. i hate my life right now actually. i judt want someone to take care of me. wisconsin man's phone is dead. i wanted to cry when he called me today. i couldn't belive that anyoe cared to see how i was. i wish i loved him as much as i love someon welse. fuckkkkkkk. t doesn't love me i realized last night. i wish he did but i guess its hard i am too much. one day someone will udrstand and love me for exactly who i am. i hope!!!!!!!!

fuckk

i got so bloody wasted last night. i hate myself for it. i get my hopes up and i'm always disappointed. i wish i could skip margaritas tonight and sleep for days.

idealize

i just have to not care what other people are doing anymore. i just need to be consumed by my work and feel nothing towards anything or anyone but clothing. i would like that to be my life, honestly. i want my heart to be free. i wouldn't mind giving everything up, if i didn't have to feel like i was missing anything. i'm just finally to that point where randomness is starting to feel fruitless. if i can't have substance then i just want to want nothing. this makes sense in my brain but on paper i'm not so sure. i have been sick for days and have been using nyquil as an escape. hopefully it will kick in soon and i will wake up tomorrow brand new. i want to feel special but i don't right now. even men who think they love me don't really in the end.

to-do list

i am so bored but i have so much to do. i'm sick and out of it. this is for my eyes:

-find new job
-meet with dudes at the brotel to propose shooting the puppy dog mock there
-find a space for dance marathon
-book bands and djs for dance marathon
-read every significant fashion blog
-read my new nylon mag
-finish dharma bums
-figure out my romantic life
-watch no country for old men
-pay billz
-practice new song with puppy dog
-interview audry of grandma's glock
-develop new style columns for la2day