son coeur de pyrex résiste au feu

i was thinking about dating patterns and i realized that mine is always going for emotionally unavailable men. this is so disappointing. am i doomed to always fight the same fight with guys that won't let me in? i was able to finally break up with gil after 4 and a half fun but futile years, but i jumped right back in with someone even more detached. it's a catch 22 because even if i did get in a relationship with someone who is able to open up, it would probably be just to prove to myself that i could do it and would ultimately lead to boredom. it's like i need to be fighting for something to feel validated or something. i always tell people that relationships don't need to be complicated or dramatic but i can't say that i honestly believe that. i don't know why i even say that. i can't even imagine what it would be like to be in an easy-going relationship. i don't know why i'm typing this at 3 in the morning. i guess i'm just drunk and the people i want to talk to are sleeping. i'm going to stop chasing. people are always "on the prowl" and it makes me sick. i know i'm not ready to date anyone seriously so perhaps when i am he'll find me. i just hope whoever he is, he can help me break my pattern without making me feel restless. the truth of the matter is, i want to be with j even though he makes me feel thissmall.

aaahhhh

that is not a scream, it's a sigh of relief. i overslept today, AGAIN. after considering calling out sick for a good 5-10 mins, i finally had to just hop out of bed, throw on some clothes i wore the other day, sweep my greasy bangs off of my forehead, put on a hat and some pink lipstick, and fly out the door. luckily the day went by smoothly and now i'm home sweet home, laying on the couch and watching food network (omg rachel ray is making salmon cakes!). hopefully i can muster up enough energy to shower soon, but i'm in no rush. i finally get to take it easy tonight. i think that will involve taking a nap, then staying up late eating leftovers i've been craving for a couple days, drinking a bit of whiskey, smoking cigs, reading about buddhism, and watching a truffaut film. i wish i had the newest issues of nylon and i-d to thumb through. but i will not be seen in public right now so i'll wait till tomorrow. i want to write forever but i'm dozing off....

doo bee doo bee doo

i feel so crazy right now. there are probably a few reasons for this. 4 hours of sleep, no breakfast, coffee, anxiety about making a move again...i can't focus so i'm just going to type. forever. maybe. i sent marty the most ridiculous email last night when i came home drunk. i misspelled every word, was completely redundant, i even simultaneously texted him. that's how much i had to say. cookie is normally my confidante on latenight drunk tuesdays but she was on a plane to florida at 2am. she'll be gone for a week. i miss her already. i just feel such a range of emotions right now. tired, excited, indifferent, irritable, hostile, happy-go-lucky, and most obviously confused. it's really weird how one person can have such a strong effect on you. i feel so obsessed. not just with that, i am completely obsessed with myself and all the trivial things in my life. i don't even care about these fires everyone keeps talking about because it doesn't directly affect me. that sounds shitty but it's true. i have a lot to say, but nothing in particular. marty once called me a "beautiful bundle of contradictions." he knows me so well. there are these 2 guys i work with. one of them i want to slap and the other one, i'd like to bash his head in. they are both such idiots. anyway, i hung out with gil yesterday which was awes. we cooked dinner together and watched weird short films and talked and talked and talked. and then i saw j and i didn't know what else to do but return the hug he initiated and turn around and act completely engaged by my friend. in my mind it should have gone down differently but my body took over. i kept giving my friend cigs to leave me alone to redeem myself and then we finally did talk briefly and it left me wanting more, but i did not show it. i'm ridiculous and i think today i'm just going to stop testing the waters and i'm just going to jump in for a nice swim and hopefully i don't drown. that's a bad metaphor but at least i am drawing a conclusion for a change.

dear

i feel really schizophrenic about this whole situation. sometimes i'm mad at you. but then i think about it and i realize i'm just obsessing. i'm not really that upset at all. i knew what i was getting into with you but my head got stuck in the clouds. anyway, i realize now that i need to be with someone who will be there. i don't even need that much time, i'm not a high-maintenance girlfriend...but you were so ridiculously unavailable. maybe you're not always like that. maybe i'm just not the girl that makes you want to drop everything. i know we're not a good fit but i really want to be friends.