things i can't wait for:

-going home and changing bc i feel super fat in these jeans, ick!

-trying my new scrub

-satc the movie

-the end of fashion weeks

-my last day at work (next friday)

-crystal castles and health next sunday!

-starting the puppy dog mockumentary

-my sis coming back to ca

-going home in july

quest for 6150

omg, hanging out with my bandmates is so rad. they are probably my 3 fave people right now. the mae shi and no age did dj sets at some bar in hollywood and puppy dog pretty much took over. i wasn't even gonna go to the damn thing but thank god i did! it was crazy and at 2am they had to literally pull me away from the dancefloor and make me leave. on the way to the car we saw a liquor store that was having a closeout sale so i randomly bought a big bottle of ketel one for $17. stupid. i kept calling the sales guy 'gorgeous'. i was trying to ignore j but he did not let me. i think i said something mean, which i sort of feel bad about now, but whatev.

i proposed my idea to make a mockumentary about puppy dog and we are going to do it. it's going to rule. my persona is going to be a total bitch.

overflow

oh my god. i feel like i want to cry right now. not bad tears really. it's just that my cousin's girlfriend read my london fashion week article, and she noticed that i have made a couple of relationship references in some of my writing and she asked if everything was ok. i couldn't believe that she would notice or really even care. it makes me feel so good...to know that someone who is barely in my life would care that much, but also proud that my writing could even reach anyone and feel personal. i mean, wow. the past several months have been just...rough. things are still rough but i will find a balance one day, i'm sure. i don't know, i feel really emotional right now just from a friendly email. i feel like no one has really been able to fully understand what i've been through, but...i dunno. today has just sucked. i rear-ended someone today bc i was in a hurry bc i was a half hour late for work. it was very minor and their car was fine but now i'm just freaked out that they are going to screw me over. and i've been so busy at work. and i really miss meg. i am overwhelmed with feelings right now. i try to hide them bc i don't want to freak anyone out. but i guess i can't really do that anymore.

english ways

had to work early but haven't done any work really. not even my work for my other work. i need to edit these photos. but all i want is for someone to bring me some kombucha and then sit around watching absolutely fabulous. i love london right now. i want to go. unfortunately no one can go, and my only friend there is moving to sf. ugh. i am willing to blow all my money, if only i had a travel mate or a place to stay. i'll probably never find a man because i can't ever find the time to shower these days. nothing really matters to me right now and there is something liberating about that.

humminuh

i want to blog incessantly. i keep fantasizing about saturday. my plan is to lay on the couch and watch tv all day. so yeah, the goon squad was at cha cha last night. that pretty much just means a lot of annoying/creepy guys who won't let 2 ladies have a nice evening undisturbed. not to be picky or anything but i really don't want to have to tell my future children that i met their father at a bar and he bought me a $1.50 beer. i guess i shouldn't complain, but it was a relief when a band of handsome painters rescued us. i'm seriously so restless. i want to type about everything in the whole world. i kept calling people to talk but no one answered and when someone called me back i hated being on the phone. that pretty much sums me up right now. i feel i am becoming more and more cynical by the moment. i don't know what to do. just nothing i guess.

weak stomach

i am so out of it! i drink a lot but have never had a hangover....UNTIL NOW. this sux. i was an hour late to work and had to make up some elaborate lie and i made it so dramatic. i think i was even still a little bit drunk this morning. now my stomach hurts and i can't stop gulping down this fiji water and popping excedrin. excedrin rules, it makes me so giddy no matter how shitty i feel. giddy and shitty rhyme! whoa. plus this girl dj on kxlu named stephanie is playing the best set ever! she is totally my fave. i keep IMing her but i want to stop bc i don't want her to think i am some creepy person who has nothing to do but listen to kxlu and chat on aim all day. it's only because i'm at work! ugh................

also, 2 terms i've heard used recently that i love....bro-bots and goon squad!

through tidal wave and asteroid and bomb

i am incredibly lame. the hardest thing in the world is avoiding someone you don't want to but know you have to. i have never been a weak person but i feel i am at this moment. i woke up at 2:30pm today. i felt like an idiot but really all i do want to do is sleep these days. i'm not depressed or anything, i just feel a strong urge for avoidance, towards everything. i just want to listen to records and sleep through them, and talk to no one, especially him. i am exhausted from feeling so much. i can't even get through the new york fashion week runways. now it's sunday and i have a deadline on thursday with my days and nights booked from tonight through wednesday. who the hell knows if i'll be able to pull it off but i guess i have to. there is something wrong when i have no interest in clothes. i went out tonight wearing all black, which i don't usually do. i just want to be a cartoon who gets to wear the same outfit in every episode. i don't know what to do or say right now. i told marty i wouldn't look back anymore, but it's all i've ever done and all i can still do.

sober-life is a prison, shitfaced-it is a blessing

i love home lately. it must have something to do with the steady supply of free pot that has been making it through our apartment. the stuff is so potent in california that i forget the rest of the world and become so consumed by whatever i'm doing, whether it be writing, catching up on the fall 2008 runways, staring at at the idiot box, or making magical/mystical compilations on itunes. i had the best drive today after me and this guy from work went onto the roof and got stoned. at some point i was driving down beverly blvd, where it has all these curves, and i was so entranced by the haunting song i was listening to (till the bitter end by magnetic fields) that for i moment i forgot where i was and where i was going. it was a really cool feeling. i'm so ready to make music, i just wish my bandmates felt as inspired as i've been. and no that is not a euphemism for being high, i mean i really feel so motivated and creative right now. i just bought this record player on a whim. literally, one moment i was on craigslist, a half hour later i am listening to autumn leaves, which i haven't heard since i was probably about 21. anyway, going back to the magnetic fields, i am obsessed with their new album, distortion. i didn't notice this before but i have been really into distortion lately. i wish puppy dog could have distorted guitars but i realized that i banned guitars from our music. it's good to the mastermind behind a group project...there is no limit to things you can ban or incorporate.

you

you are selfish and tactless and vacant and just plain mean. yet i still love you so. everytime i see yuo i just want to love you and protect you and make everything better for you. it is my weakness but i need to drop all my baggage. it is so difficult to go through life with weight on your shoulders that is too heavy to bear. even for wonder woman, who i am according to meg. whenever i feel something really strong all i want to do is relate it to a movie or an satc moment and keep living in that moment forever. unfortunately as i was reaching for the moment i wanted and needed so badly to see, the dvd stopped and i realized it was broken. what does that mean? i guess it means i should stop living in the past or even the moment and look to the future. that is what my mum told me and mums are always right no matter how much you don't want them to be. they say things you don't want to believe or hear but in the back of your mind you know they know you better than you even know yourself. anyway i am in a weird place. i want to be alone but it is so tempting to allow myself to be consumed with someone. there is this english boy but i hate his music. could it ever work with such a conflict? it really is a conflict...earlier i was truly enjoying this album then all of a sudden meg asked if we could listen to this band i hate. i can't ever say no to meg so we did and i felt like i was in hell. it seems like such an insignificant thing but it's really not. i want to write forever but it is nearly 3am and tomorrow of all days i cannot be late to work. i probably will be but i must try my best to get there on time.