excess

i just stayed up all night and everyone is asleep but i can't get there. the sun is out which makes me not want to sleep at all. i feel shitty bc i spent all day doing things like hanging out at barneys and eating burgers and tacos and looking for drugs downtown and putting beer on my credit card and emptying my gas tank. i had fun but i feel really dissatisfied and disappointed. i'm so broke but i can't get it through my head. my apartment is so gross and messy right now. all i want to do is bake cookies for the parties i'm going to and make music. i'm just kind of sick of partying and i really want to focus on my career but there are so many distractions.

i decided that i should get married this year. just because it is so passe that everyone thinks marriage is passe, so i'm just going to go against everything i and everyone else i know believes in and get hitched. plus i am just over being so indulgent and carefree, i am really craving stability right now. ppl will think i'm so crazy which will be rad. i think i will be very happy. now to find the lucky man. he's nowhere in sight. i just keep hitting dead ends.

aaaaahhhhhhhhh! i am kind of mad right now but i know the person i want to yell at is probably asleep. this sux.

i discovered an almost empty bottle of vodka in my freezer and forgot how much I LOVE IT. they can say i have a drinking prob but fuck em.

i just want something cool to happen right now. i feel like i want to call j and he might pick up bc he is in the uk and is prob waking up right now. it's weird that i am thinking about him again but i am.

i don't know what to do really. i can't write bc i'm too drunk. i guess all i can do is lay back and read murakami and will the phone to ring. i don't even care who it is, i just feel like i need to talk to somebody.

stuck

here i am again, restless. so much so that i have decided to make a lifestyle change--stay up all night, sleep all morning till early afternoon, and begin my days whenever i please. i anticipate it being quite productive actually. i'll sleep through the discomfort of the heat, begin work when the air starts to cool, break for dinner and perhaps a night of drinks, then resume work afterhours. it may be a bit lonely--after all my prime hours will be when most are asleep so i won't have the luxury of text and phonecall distractions. but perhaps that will be better anyhow.

i just really feel like something is missing in my life. i sometimes get freaked out that i might one day go back to my masochistic ways, when i would put my desire for creative freedom and success ahead of my own true desires. i don't want to be like that. i know i deserve to be happy and i want to be. it has taken a long time for me to break my stupid patterns and i want to be satisfied with moving forward from that point. but i am a person who cherishes memories too much. today i listened to my parents' old song on repeat. and i remembered j and the del taco and his soft hair. how no matter who i love or have loved i will always love them all. sometimes i want to forget. i want each day to be new.

why can't a man just be a man??

my heart is free!

whoa whoa whoa. i really can't sleep. i shouldn't have drank that coffee at 9:30. it is just starting to hit me. i was reading my new murakami book for a while but it's too dark in my room. i always try to read before i sleep but i hate having the good light on because then i have to get out of bed to turn it off. so i end up reading in sort of darkness and that's no good.

i think i am just really anxious about having coffee with skater crush tomorrow. i get so stupid when this happens. i was fantasizing about asking him where to get flowers downtown and he would walk me there and buy them for me.

i am confused but i can do nothing else but not worry about it. i mean...you can only put so much effort into something before it's time to just back off and let it run its course, if it will at all. i have the craziest urge to watch a film i made in college. it is the only one i don't have a copy of for some reason and it's really annoying. it's all i want right now.

fashion frustration

i'm getting sick of everyone borrowing my shit. normally i am very generous but lately i feel like everytime i want to wear something it's gone. fuck this.